I was 17 and had too much to drink. I decided to crash for a while in the bedroom. I woke up to find Rick laying in the bed across from me, watching me sleep.
What the fuck was he doing in there? Why didn't I ask him what the fuck he was doing in there?
I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing.
I didn't want to make a scene.
Whitey tried all summer to wear me down with his advances, finally pinning me against a wall. I pushed my hand hard against his face to keep his lips off mine. Mouse came inside and shot Whitey a dirty look. He finally backed off.
Why didn't I kick him in the nuts? Why didn't I stop hanging out with "the boys"?
I didn't want to ruin the summer of fun for all my friends.
I didn't want to make a scene.
Mouse wouldn't leave the bedroom I was supposed to sleep in. He took things too far. Three times, he wouldn't take no for an answer. I finally gave in.
Why didn't I kick him out of my room? Why didn't I leave the room myself?
I didn't want to make things awkward for everyone. I didn't want to make a scene.
My boss at the laundromat made countless rude comments. He reassured me that he wouldn't rape me because it was too much work, and he was too lazy.
Why did I finish my shift that day? Why did I finish my shifts that week?
I didn't want to let him know that he got to me. I didn't want to make a scene.
My first waitressing job, one of the regulars, Bogey, would always grab me every chance he could. His forceful grabs eventually turned to kisses, often aimed for my lips. For well over a year, I actively attempted to dodge his hands and mouth, until I firmly insisted that he stop.
Why didn't I say something sooner? Why didn't my boss say anything when she saw it happening?
I didn't make things uncomfortable for our other regulars. I didn't want to make a scene.
One midnight memory leads to another and another and another....
How many inappropriate advances have I sloughed off over the years?
How many times have I politely smiled and pretended that everything was okay?
How many men have I taught to believe that it's fine to be a total fucking asshole because I let them get away with such stupid shit?
How many other women would've done exactly what I did?
How many simply accept the fact that sexual harassment and assault is just another part of being a women?
I know better now. Next time, I might make a scene. And a tiny sliver of the world might be better because of it.
Happy International Women's Day.
